I recently listened to a Matt Chandler sermon that rocked my world. I have not been able to shake the truth and beautiful brokenness of what he shared. So I have yet again been on a journey of processing and digesting the depravity that is this heart of mine... and the steadfast Hope that is my God. Thanks for taking the time to walk with me.
For those of you that know me, you know that I have been on an expedition through a season of suffering for a few years now. However, by no means do I think that what I have faced recently is the worst it could be for me... but it has been a painful process nevertheless. Praise God that the pain of this life does not go without provision of peace, patience, and perseverance for those who are His children.
Pain has a way of forcing you to take a step back. To step back and gain a greater perspective of the chaos drowning out the growth, hope, and strength that can be found amidst the storm. C.S. Lewis put it perfectly, "Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." I know firsthand that statement could not be more true.
Slowing gaining perspective within and beyond this trial has caused me to ask and honestly consider what it is that is truly driving me. What or who is my driving motivation in this life of mine? But that's just it. My life is not my own. If I am being sincere, sometimes, I don't know what it is that drives me. What it is that gets me out of bed in the morning. As I continue to go throughout my days where my health is uncertain and unstable (although it was never within my control), I quickly have discovered the truth of what Chandler shared in his sermon on suffering-- "If it's [motivation] not in the Cross, if it's not His life imparted to me, if it's not in His resurrection, then I don't have any chance."
Which brings me to my next continual battle...
What do I really believe? What do I believe about my God and His character? Forget my circumstance. No matter what is going on around me, in what or whom would I bank it all on? Bet my life on? Up until my freshman year of college, I had a relatively simple life, without much I had to struggle through. My faith hadn't ever really been tested or tried. Everything in my life had gone pretty well. Looking back, it really was a walk in the park.
Do I believe that God is good? Do I believe that God is faithful? Do I believe that I am His?
When it's all said and done, am I a student, daughter, friend who is His? Or am I, in the end, [simply] His? What is more important to me? What I get to do for God or God Himself? Of all the things Matt Chandler said within that sermon, that statement has continued to resonate deeply within the darkest, most desperate parts of my soul. I praise God that He will not allow me to shake that convicting, yet vital decision of submission I have to make... that we all must make, from my mind. Whether we blatantly decide to elevate ourselves above our God or subconsciously deny His lordship and sovereignty in our lives, we are all making a choice of who is on the throne of our hearts... whether we realize it or not.
With all that said, I know what the Bible says about suffering. And many Christians today would be shocked about what the Gospel has to say about the "problem of pain." In fact, in the Gospel of John, Jesus even goes as far as to promise us that we will have trouble in this world [John 16:33]. Pretty sure that verse alone shatters the concept of the ever-growing Prosperity Gospel. But there is an immense difference between simply knowing and ruthlessly trusting.
Throughout this period of refinement, one of my biggest wrestling matches has been recognizing that I am entitled to nothing in this life. Absolutely nothing. The things and comforts I have lost, relationships that have been distanced, and plans that have been destroyed in the process of my illness have been a harsh awakening of my mortality and lack of control. The multiple changes that have occurred as my illness progressed have quickly woken me to the realization that nothing I had or have now, is my own. My job is to steward and [continually] surrender... not to stamp with my ownership and seize control. I deserve nothing but death. That alone is what I as a depraved and fallen sinner, am entitled to. By His grace, God has far surpassed what I should ever have come to know... new life in Him, hope for a pain-free life eternally, and the blessing of enjoying the people and possessions the Lord has given me to take care of.
So the truth is, I have lost nothing. None of it was mine to begin with. The people and things that have always been most dear to me... my family, my friends, my health... are my God's. "I have a duty to God in them," as Chandler states. It has been a bitter but ultimately, sweet walk with my Lord the past few months as He has begun to lessen the weight and free up my hands of all the things I have felt not only entitled to, but also absolutely accountable for.
So it all comes down to this... Do I want God's goodness? Or. Do I want God? Will I choose to chase after His blessing and lose sight of His beautiful character and in the end, be left in an empty state of counterfeit privilege and entitlement?
Trusting in circumstance will leave one on a roller coaster ride of death. Change is the name of Life's game. Trusting in God's character will leave one in an unfathomable state of peace and strength... amidst the roller coaster of change. Our God alone is immutable. He never has or will... change.
The blessing of "good" from our God is not displayed by how easily and painlessly we can make it through this life. The evidence and goodness of our God was demonstrated forever in the Cross of Jesus Christ. That, friends, is the epitome of unconditional love.
I do not believe that God gave me this disease or illness but He most certainly could have stopped it and has chosen not to. I am human and therefore, will never understand that. Nevertheless I will choose joy. Nevertheless I will hold fast to this Hope that is firm and secure [Hebrews 6:19]. Nevertheless I choose to trust that no matter the circumstance, my God works ALL things for my good [Romans 8:28].
It is ALL for my good and for HIS glory.
Just give me God... for He is the essence of Goodness.
