Waiting. Definitely not one of my strong suits. Whoever said “patience is a virtue” was on to something. Besides being fallen human beings, what is it about being “in the waiting” that seems to make life almost unbearable? And depending on the immensity of the situation at hand, “tunnel vision” can become the greatest side effect of a life chased down by this virtue.
The irony of all this is the fact that despite the hidden treasures this virtue holds, very few if none desire to take the journey towards discovery. With every answer and convenience at our fingertips, we could say that we’ve exponentially advanced over the past century, even over the past decade. However, along this technological venture, we have lost the ability to wait and truly anticipate. Here’s the secret. This virtue called patience is not a destination but rather emerges throughout the journey called life.
Everyone is waiting for something. In Kindergarten, I couldn’t wait to be out of the “nap time days” (now I celebrate if I get a nap!) and by 6th grade, I never thought I’d see graduation day. Freshman year of college, I quickly discovered that it wasn’t quite everything it had been cracked up to be. I had never felt so over my head. I was sure I would never survive those 4 years but now here I sit with one semester left and graduation less than a year away. And yes, I am now at that “quarter-life crisis” where I am left to decide what I am going to do with the rest of my life… not to mention I am counting the days until I can move out of my parent’s basement.
It isn’t until one has to wait for something he greatly or even desperately longs for that he begins to unearth little truths as he walks along Waiting’s path. Most good things in life must be fought for…actually, I would even dare to say that nothing of value is free. But maybe there is a reason for that. These things the heart longs for should require sacrifice, struggle, and journey. Why you ask? Because pure and honorable things should be upheld with the highest esteem and gratitude…both of which are truly obtained in the valleys and rocky roads of life. Sometimes, though, those good things we once had are taken from us and we know how much value they hold…and honestly, those are the hardest journeys of all.
It’s hard to believe that it was three years ago that my health started to decline. Looking back on it, it feels both immediate and gradual. When you’re young, you feel invincible, as if nothing and no one can bring you down…or that with a little time, the body will be at its best again. A little time. In the grand scheme of life, I recognize that a few years is insignificant. But at 21 years old, 3 years of living in a body that continues to struggle and fight itself day after day…seems like an eternity. Can you guess what I am waiting for? I have never wanted anything else more in my life than to be healthy again. That’s just the honest truth.
With that said, I completely understand that it could be much worse and I praise God for all the things I do have. Although I still fight this battle, I have come so far on this journey. I still have a long way to go but I have a priceless gift that has taken time to receive: The ability to look back on those 3 years and see the overwhelming goodness and faithfulness of my God. Not a chance did I walk (and stumble) alone.
The past few weeks have been, well, not exactly a walk in the park. I seem to go around and around with the Lord regarding this season of life I am in. I just want to see the end—to have it in sight—so that I have something to push towards. I thought by now God would extend mercy and heal me. But that’s what hit me today…I feel as though I was hit by a truck. Maybe, just maybe, my view of mercy has been skewed.
I love this time of year. I mean, who doesn’t love Christmas? I love the family time and giving spirits that seem to illuminate the dark skies. But most of all, I love that I get to remember the coming of my Savior. After years and years and years (much more than 3) of waiting and great anticipation, the promised Redeemer came to earth to be with us. “He loved us so much that He came to be with us.” I don’t know how many times I have heard that but it hit me in a new way today. In the moments of weakness, fatigue, pain, tears, loneliness, and defeat I have the hope that the God of the universe came and felt all of those things before I was even born.
How quickly and how often do I forget that? I drive myself nuts. That’s no secret to my God. And that’s where His mercy comes in. Because He loves me, He wants me solely for Himself and His glory. Those who know me well, know that I am quite thick-headed and stubborn. I realized today that maybe God’s mercy doesn’t look like deliverance for me right now. Instead maybe it appears as His presence in the midst of my continued journey…that I might remain near to Him. He knows that my heart desires physical strength and full recovery but what I really need is to be reminded of His dwelling in and with me. Did God bring this upon me? I do not believe that for a moment. What I do believe is that out of His love for me, He is working all things for my good and for His glory. And right now, my good and His glory looks like this…
That I would wake up every morning with a physical reminder that Immanuel (“God with us”) must and will always come through for me.
If that isn’t the best Christmas gift, I don’t know what is.
