Sometimes, I sit and ponder my life. Ok, sometimes
might be a little bit of an underestimation. 98% of my life is internal
processing. Those who know me well are reading this and saying,
"Amen."
Anyways, back to my point.
There are moments when the reality of my position
in life just slaps me upside the head. Like... When on earth did I turn 25
(almost 26!), when did I enter the realm of being asked to be a professional
reference (that means you're old), and most recently, when did I become ready
to get married?
In these moments, my life seems to be in slow
motion. It's almost as if it's waiting for me to catch up with reality.
That happens to me a lot.
The present is often a blur and once I'm a few
months down the road, my prior circumstance becomes more real… The curse of an extra
slow-processor.
Now that I'm almost 26, age 25 has settled in. But
as I get thrown overboard from the boat of parental health-insurance, I'm sure
the cold waters will quickly awaken me to 26. And rounding up to 30 still doesn't
sound too good. I am honored to be asked to be a reference for jobs and school
committees that I was once on, but I never thought it would be my turn to help
a student's "dream" come true. And though I've got that streak of my
mother's independence and adventure-seeking spirit, I've met a man that is far
more godly and kind-hearted than I could've dreamt. I am most definitely
processing that one, but I praise God that I'm the girl that gets to marry
him.
What's my point? Thought you'd never ask.
No matter how hard, devastating, life-changing,
astronomical, exhilarating, or fresh life may be in the moment, I have yet to
look back and not understand the purpose God has in it. Our God is a God of
order and restoration. Nothing that enters my life will go against that
immutable character of His. I've been burdened yet blessed to learn that truth in
my younger years.
He's proven Himself to be tried and true.
Our disposition and character are only possible as
a result of His. 1 John 4:19 says, "We love because He first loved
us." He enables us to receive, to give, to love, and to follow Him. In
myself, I would be so far from Christ. It is only because of His graciousness
to me that I have been able to journey through the past 7 years of trial and
continue to follow Him. That's not me. That's all Him.
Don't get me wrong. I totally have my
"bad" days. We all do. And that reminds me that I need Jesus. He's
God, and I am not.
At almost age 26, I would have never thought I
would have been through multiple surgeries, medical tests, or to be forced to
leave college and then graduate school – as a result of poor health. But we all
get put through the fire. I have just been blessed to be put through the flames
earlier on in my life.
Blessed? Yes. Blessed.
Could I have said that a few years ago? Absolutely
not. And there are still days where I cannot. And please do not take this as
some, “God won’t give you any more than you can handle” speech. Because that’s
a common lie circulating Christianity today that could not be more against the
truth of the Word of God.
The truth is: He did give me more than I could handle. MUCH MORE than I could
handle.
And because of that, I’ve learned to trust Him in
ways for which I never would have had need. I know Him in such a deeper way
than I would have otherwise. There’s truly nothing sweeter than that. He loved
me enough to allow health trials to enter my life so that I could grow through
pain and adversity.
Nothing has entered my life that He not only foresaw but
also allowed.
And because I’ve experienced Him to be tried and
true, I’ve gained more strength to be a reflection of His faithfulness. I am
and have only been able to present myself as tried and true because He has been
that for me… abundantly.
My greatest aim is to be faithful to Him even in
circumstances that leave me speechless and broken. It’s a confusing thing to
watch someone walk through the dark hour of the soul with grace. But that’s the
image of someone who has seen and felt Jesus in such a tangible way.
When you encounter the presence and faithfulness of
Jesus, it doesn’t leave you the same.
“Great testimonies” of our faith don’t become so
over night. They are forged in the fires of sorrow and devastation.
I’ve been tried, and He’s been true. And because
He’s true, I pray I continue to remain true to Him.
