Cloudy with a Chance of Change.

July 17, 2009

I’ve always enjoyed watching the clouds. I love how my mind can shape and contort the billows of white into pretty much anything imaginable. It sure provided hours of endless entertainment for those seemingly endless hours in the car when I was younger. It wasn’t until recently, however, that the clouds began to portray a completely different picture for me. 

This summer has not been normal. It’s been quite unlike all others that I have had thus far in my life. There were times when I thought high school summers were kind of lame. Afterall, we do live in Indiana. The center of the glorious Midwest. Ok…I was just kidding about the “glorious” part. Not too much to do. But looking back, I realize I had it pretty stinkin’ good. The thought of a full-time job would have made me chuckle…much less two. Our hardest days consisted of sleeping in, big bowls of cereal in front of the T.V., and late night hangouts…only to “party hard” til the wee hours of the morning and sleep in to do it all over again. Wow. Did we have it made or what?

I almost don’t recognize this town anymore. It’s as if the days that we felt painfully dragged on and on decided to go into hyper speed. The minute we realized we needed to be holding onto every moment we were given, they were gone. Just like that. It’s funny how time can do that to you. It sure is a villain.

I think I was under the false impression that change occurred progressively. Wrong. If I’ve learned anything this summer, it’s that. If anything, transition runs its course more quickly as I become older. Some days I feel as though I’m God’s favorite student. Man alive, He’s got some hard lesson plans mapped out for me. Some lessons are meant to take more time than others based on level of difficulty. The one I’ve never seemed to grasp is the fact that people come and go in life. I’ve got a pretty thick head…and that one just hasn’t gotten through yet.

In my mind, it makes no sense to relationally connect with someone only to later have those two paths go in completely separate directions. I mean, what the junk? Am I the only one who can’t seem to understand that? I don’t take relationships lightly nor do I allow myself to become extremely close to more than 4 or 5 people at once. I strive to pour all that I have into the relationships that I have. That is the only way that makes sense to me. It’s just natural. And until this past year, it always had worked the way I thought it should. The way I had planned. It’s funny how fourteen years can set you in such a lifestyle that the reality of life doesn’t even seem possible. This past year, I ran smack dab into reality. Without brakes. It was quite a collision…and it was not pleasant. It was a sight to see. It hurt…and it’s more real than I ever wanted it to be.

So this is where the clouds come in. Thanks for sticking with me. A few weeks ago, I was taking a walk just to get some uninterrupted time to listen to the Lord. It was a gorgeous day and the sky was bursting of sun and clouds. Big, fluffy, white clouds. My favorite kind…they work best when trying to find shapes. But this time I wasn’t paying attention to the shapes or figures lining the sky. This time I felt as though God spoke to my heart and asked me to simply watch how the clouds made their way across the sky. So I did. And then it hit me. The light finally came on in the dark part of my heart that I was trying to protect for so long. A cloud does not move through the sky without colliding with another cloud. And when it does…it’s not quite the same after doing so. It changes shape. It takes and gives…and sticks. All at the same time. Just like relationships. Finally, it was making sense.

You see, this journey called life takes us through flat fields, over tiring mountains, through luscious valleys and rivers, and dry deserts as well. And no two journeys are the same. Maybe very similar but not identical. That’s not how God designed it to be. Every individual has a purpose implanted on his or her heart by God the Creator himself. It’s because of this fact that life must change. Why people come and go from our lives. When I consider friendships that used to be very strong and are not today, my initial feeling is brokenness. It literally breaks my heart. But now I see why. Relationships allow us to live life with one another…and that means bits and pieces of our hearts are slowly and carefully given away. That’s how people change us. Because they give us a part of themselves…and take a bit of us as well. There are countless people no longer in my life that gave me so much. I would not be the person I am today without those God has blessed me with throughout the course of my life. The other “clouds” I’ve collided with. All of them in due time. Now I see there’s more to this picture. While I can only see the next “cloud” in front of me, God sees the entire horizon of my “sky.”

Isn’t the sky beautiful even when the clouds are constantly moving? I think the sky is prettiest when it’s full of clouds moving wherever the wind blows.

And although it doesn’t make sense to me when clouds shift, the sun disappears, or the sky is clear of clouds altogether…I know that my God, who controls the sky, sees just where I’m headed next.

And surprisingly, I’m slowly becoming okay with that.

So everyone, today’s life forecast…is cloudy with a chance of change.

Collide.

June 17, 2009

Sometimes I feel like my life is one giant collision. For lack of a better phrase, sometimes, life just hurts. Really badly. At times it's as though I've hit a roadblock, gone into a ditch, and continue to roll and roll and roll...until everything suddenly stops. Numbness begins to sink its grip into the very veins of my heart. Collisions are never good...or are they? 

For those that know me, they most likely know that I'm my biggest critic. Basically, no one else ever needs to tear me down...for the record, I've got it handled. It's in the bag. No problem. Most days, I find it hard to believe that I'm doing things right...especially in the aspect of relationships. That's my biggest issue. I guess you could say perfectionist or that I just hold too tightly to those around me. Call it whatever you want. I'm finding that it's more than that.

Ever heard the saying, "It's when life is at its worst that you see a person for who they really are"? Completely true. Couldn't have said it better myself. Life has thrown me a few curves lately. And quite frankly, I've cringed a bit with what I've begun to see. Things in my life that need to be destroyed. Demolished. Redeemed.

As a critic, complacency has become quite recognizable in my own life. It shines pretty brightly actually. It's had the spotlight lately. Not too hard to miss. Man alive, I frustrate myself to no end! It's quite ridiculous. Why do I settle? My prayer has been that God would open wide my eyes to see all that He has for me. And He most definitely has. The doors of my heart have been blown open in the past year. It beats for more than it used to. It's full of passion, life, and purpose...like it never has been before. Yet old habits creep back in.

When I hear the word "complacency," I immediately think, "back to normal." That's just it. Normal. That's something God is NOT. Nor is the life that He has called me...or any of us to live. We are made for more than that. We were made to collide.

The thing about change, struggles, and trials is that they cut into our heart...leaving it open for healing to occur. Before, the hurt was shut tight in the deepest, most tender parts of our very souls. That's where the collision comes in.

Although collisions are painful, they also expose us for who we truly are...underneath all of the masks, barriers, and wounds that we strive so strongly to conceal. The old is scraped away, leaving new, raw, and tender flesh that begins to replace our old and fake exterior. Because you can't be two things at once and live the life of peace, joy, and freedom that Jesus Christ has given to us. The old must go and the new must come. God is the source of new life. He IS life. He alone makes all things new.

Jesus never promised His disciples that life would be easy, simple, or laid back. Rather, He says to "Pick up our crosses and follow Him." I'd say that is no walk in the park. It's a battle. A fight to survive. But Jesus doesn't stop there...He also said He'd never give us more than we can handle. In a way, that's pretty cool. The more we go through, the more God must think we can manage...but not without Him, of course. He also said He'd never leave us. As our world shifts and life changes in the blink of an eye, my God never changes. Sometimes, that's the only thing that keeps me going.

So are you willing to collide? To run straight into the power and love of our mighty God? Yeah, it'll hurt. It'll smart for awhile. The layers of what we've held onto for so long will slowly be pealed away. The real will be unveiled. But as I'm coming to find...you only emerge stronger than you were before. Are you up to the challenge? Go ahead. I dare you. God's looking for a head-on collision.

Dashboard Lights: The Heart of the Issue

April 27, 2009

My dad always told me that emotions are the like the dashboard lights of our hearts. Just like my engine light comes on when my car is having an issue, the emotions I experience are indicators of what is going on in this heart of mine. Sometimes I feel as though the dashboard of my heart is just lit up like none other. I'm talkin' Vegas lights here...brighter than most people care to see in one square mile. It's moments like these when I begin to wonder, when was the last time I went in for a check-up? 

College is a funny thing. There's something about taking a girl, uprooting her from her home, making her say goodbye to friends of over ten years...that just does a number on her. I must say that in August of last year, my dashboard lights were going nuts. Just plain insane. Flashing like you wouldn't believe. There was nothing, at least I felt at the time, that would ever make this heart of mine the same again. I felt totaled. Was there any way insurance could pay for a brand new heart to replace this battered, bruised, and scarred heart? I quickly found out that a trade-in was not an option.

Over this past year, I feel as though one word that could have described my experience during my freshman year is: perseverance. I honestly could not find a better word to use. I don't just mean perseverance in the academic sense...although that category would have taken a major portion of the cake. But no. I found that perseverance is so much more than just finishing a race I've begun. Because before any race was complete, there was a fight that took place to allow that completion to come to be...and a fight, I believe, is never just on one level.

Ok. Remember when I was talking about those dashboard lights? Well, here ya go. I, for one, would just like to be the first to say that I am THE QUEEN of losing perspective. So, for those of you competing for that title...I win. I like to think that God gave me more lights on my dashboard because He knows that I will most likely need an extra light flashing to finally catch my eye. It's like clock-work. I pretty much have learned the routine. This light will pop up when this happens or yep, that light is about due for a bright shine...I've got it down pat. Can I also take this brief opportunity to mention that I'm not a very good mechanic?

I love that the lights of a dashboard usually relate to the engine or some sort of auto part (I am not a car genius by any means) that determines whether our car runs very well or not. It's at times when I'm at the end of my rope, that I realize that I once again failed to notice some lights on my dashboard. Thankfully, when you're on E...your car lets you know...and if you have any brain in you at all, you take the time to fill up.

I praise the Lord for emotions. Yes, ladies, I'll just say it for all of us, they are quite annoying and inconvenient. But in my case, if I did not have them, I'd be a royal wreck. I would be fully and completely blind to what was going on around me as well as within my heart. And everybody knows that you gotta drive with your eyes open to get anywhere at all. I'm so amazingly talented at allowing myself to "drive blind." But here's another pretty cool thing. When our car is freaking out or not functioning properly, we take it back to the source. People who know how to fix, switch, fill, replace, and shine those parts that need special attention. I'm so glad I'm not my own auto-mechanic...because not only would my car crumble but I would literally fall apart.

I love the heart. Biologically speaking, it is the source of life. It pumps blood to every part of our body so that we may continue to breathe and live fully. But I think I love the symbolic nature of the heart most of all. For ages, the heart has been described as the very thing that allows us to love passionately, desire deeply, and fight, or persevere continuously. This amazing blessing can, however, be in tune with the Creator, or on a completely different wavelength altogether. God fashioned my very being, this very heart that yearns for Him and breaks for His people. He is the only One who is worthy and should be holding my heart in His hands. Because really, who is better fit for managing and fixing the dashboard lights? The driver or the Creator?

I guess that's what I'm trying to get at. It's no wonder that I am told to "Guard my heart, for it is the wellspring of life." I guess you could say, it's the heart of the issue. 

Above the Surface.

August 3, 2008

Sinking is not a pleasant feeling. Whether physically or figuratively. Waves crashing over and the cold rain hitting our face in the midst of a desperate struggle to survive can completely destroy our morale--Keeping sight of the sun...or simply just the sky above. But I don't think swimming with all of our might is the answer to our reoccurring problem. 

Being the very definition of an extremely analytical person, I struggle to keep my thoughts from drowning out what I KNOW to be the truth. You'd think once someone knew the Truth they'd be set. Wrong. Very wrong. I seem to think I can figure everything out. The harder I think, the more I'll discover with this very feeble mind of mine. Wrong again. The way someone says or does something is a direct reflection of how they are feeling about me. Once again, wrong. Since when was everything about me anyway? I failed to receive that memo.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 states,

"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war like the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have the power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

Sometimes I think everything will just fade away...just like that. Things that I have built up for so long. Things that I have battled for with blood, sweat, and tears. People that make me feel alive. People that I so dearly love. People that I would be miserable without. So I swim and fight with all within me only to drown.

But am I holding on to tightly to things that can't fight the growing waves any better than I can? See, I don't think drowning is about not being able to swim. We are human. That is inevitable. I think drowning is about losing sight of the Truth. Truth being the irreplaceable love and grace of my Savior Jesus Christ.

Peter had faith to walk on water when Jesus called him. And he did for a short moment until...he lost sight of his Savior. He became too focused on the waves, wind, and storm that so easily overwhelm our lives. But how can we walk when we have our eyes set on nothing? We will eventually sink because our focus is on the crashing waves, not the sun.

I am writing this for people like me. People who think WAY too much. People who allow their minds to flood the Truth they know so well. People who think everything needs to be explained away before it can really be true. People who strive to let go but cannot. Yes, I am someone who fits all of those presumptions.

So quit sinking. Make the decision to fight through the storm...but not on your own. Swimming against the storm of this world is easier said than done. Jesus, save us all.

Keep me above the surface.

STUCK.

I often feel this way. I'm an active person. I like to be "on the go." To be productive. Even my "days off," are really not so. It can be a blessing... it can be a curse. This very blog post is a result of my inability to stop my "turning wheels" last night (as I was in bed). I'm even "running" when I'm lying down! So of course, I grabbed my iPhone and typed it all as it came racing through my mind.

I think one reason for my chronic busyness, or longing to be so, is my fear of staying in any one place for great durations of time. After all, if in one place for too long, you may just get...

Stuck.

This is one of my greatest and deepest fears.

But one of my dearest friends so often wisely states, "Fear is 'False Evidence Appearing Real.'" It's as if I think that every place in which I stand for too long will turn to quick sand. A nearly inescapable trap of sorts.

But maybe being "stuck" isn't all that bad. And here's why:

What if the moments in which we feel "stuck," are the very moments in which we are actually moving... and growing, the most?

Times of standstill cause us to reevaluate and reexamine our priorities. Our outlooks on true growth. And most importantly, our perspectives on true movement. If you're like me, in this period of immobilization you find yourself feeling as though you have been placed in "time out."

After 22 years of being the recipient of numerous "2x4s" to the face, I'm finally realizing that the most important movement is my movement towards Christ. And sometimes, I'm finding, that movement requires a halt.

A big halt.

Ironic, isn't it?

Because how in the world can our focus move upward when we are so focused on moving forward? I am not all-powerful nor am I all-present. Although my God can be everywhere at every single second, I most definitely cannot be. So if I'm running a million miles a minute trying to plan the next 10 years of my life, more than likely, I am not giving my utmost focus to the Ultimate Planner.

And that's where the brick wall comes into play. See, no man has the ability to see the entire scope, or landscape, of his or her life. Oh, how I so wish that were so. (For the record, if I could have any superhero power, that would be mine.) Then, I wouldn't have to make a t-shirt that says, "Don't ask. I have no idea what I'm doing after I graduate college... in 33 days."

It's been 2 years since my "big halt." Trust me, it's felt much longer than that at times. Feeling "behind" in multiple areas of my life has been the theme for me, for quite some time. But maybe all it takes is a shift in my perspective...

From stuck, to transition.

A transition of heart. A transition of focus. A transition of mindset.

You see, slowing down allows the chaos to unwind. It gives our feeble minds a chance to begin to see the next step. Because as we focus on growing towards Christ rather than moving towards our next plan, our hearts beat with His as He directs each and every step.

It is much easier to journey with someone Who sees the entire horizon... and beyond.

So be encouraged, friends. When you're "stuck," it is simply a season...

Because there is indeed a light at the end of every tunnel... however long it may be.

WHERE THE RUBBER MEETS THE ROAD.

I love those friendships in which you can’t help but talk for hours. A few weeks ago, I walked into the house of some dear friends; the home of what has become my “Second Family.” It was late, and I had to work the next morning. I knew that my “ten minute” stay was destined to become much longer. So I made a mental note of my early morning coffee route and walked in.

The funny thing is that while talking, we realized we haven’t even known each other for a year. It feels much longer--the good kind of long. The time has flown by. This past year has been a rollercoaster of many sorts, full of blessings yet many struggles. I think we all reach the point of wondering when the rollercoaster will end. Don’t get me wrong, I love rollercoasters. However, when it comes to my life, I’d rather have a straight shot. After all, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Ok, enough of the math lesson.

Back to rollercoasters. We all need some perspective. Especially when the rollercoaster keeps going and going and going and going... And well, I think you catch my drift. I think this is why Proverbs says, “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future” (Proverbs 19:20, ESV). We all walk the rocky terrain of this life... Some are just further along. 

At one point during our conversation, the topic of struggle surfaced. That’s another thing I cherish about that friendship--it has never been anything but genuine. I think it’s because we both are good at “reading” people... So we knew from the start that there is no point of playing games. It was then that she said, “...These are the moments when the rubber meets the road...” I will never forget that. In fact, that conversation hasn’t left my mind since. 

I’m not sure that I’ve seen a friend, or entire family for that matter, walk a road of struggle with such grace. Their shoes are weathered yet they stand strong. Sure, they’ve asked why. Don’t we all? I think we all have moments when we realize we are standing on a path we didn’t plan. I know I have. But both the rubber soles of our shoes and the rugged road of our journeys play a part in this life.  

I’ve asked myself many times why my road has to be so rocky and uneven. It’s taken me a few years but I’ve come to this realization: The rugged road exists to remind us that this road isn’t the end... It is simply a means to the end. The glorious end. Isn’t that why roads are created? To lead us somewhere? 

Have you ever tried to climb or walk a gravel road while wearing shoes with no traction? It’s a miserable experience. For those of you like me, I just fear wiping out. I’m not the most graceful of individuals. That’s where the rubber comes in. The soles of shoes are purposed to keep one firmly founded... Like climbing shoes or hiking boots. 

So what happens where the two meet? I think at least two things occur. I believe the road strengthens the journeyman. There is a reason why avid hikers and daring climbers have muscles in more places than one can count. It is an outward reflection of where they’ve been. Roads they’ve weathered. Secondly, the rubber keeps us “grounded” ...for lack of a better term. This is why proper foot wear is of utmost importance. 

How pertinent this is to our faith in Jesus! I’ve heard it said, “In suffering, God is not getting back at you; He is getting you back to Himself.” After these past few years, I cannot express enough the truth this statement holds. If one is not firmly planted by the foundation of God’s Word, he will quickly lose his footing. It is inevitable. The terrain of this life is no joke. It is not to be taken lightly. However, if prepared, it is navigitable. It’s easy to slip up. I know I do quite often. So maybe it’s time for some new shoes. 

Well sure enough, 3 hours later, I headed home to catch some sleep. I was exhausted the next day, but that coffee was a lifesaver and it was totally worth it. I am so thankful for a dear friend who may be further down this road but nevertheless continues to show me what it looks like to stand firmly...

“Where the rubber meets the road.”

“Your faith will not fail while God sustains it; you are not strong enough to fall away while God is resolved to hold you.” --J.I. Packer

Faithfulness.

I grew up hearing this word but I think it's safe to say that I never truly knew the meaning. Don't misunderstand me, faithfulness was very much present in my life... but life hadn't thrown much at me yet and because of this, my awareness of my need for faithfulness was inexistent.

With that said, one cannot go throughout this life without eventually experiencing a downpour. A storm. A desert season. I was 19 when I entered my storm. A storm that has lasted 3 years.

Storms will wake you up real quick. Your [false] sense of security crumbles in the rumble of the approaching thunder and the lightning reveals your need to hold fast to something... anything.

Although I do not fully understand why God allows us to walk through trials, I have found that His very essence, the Faithful One, is revealed in those deep, dark, desperate moments... when we suddenly realize that our feeble attempts for survival are no match for the dreadful storms of life. We once thought we were set, ready to trudge through the terrain without need for a map, safety kit, or much less... a savior. But all the while, our journey was held in the palm of Almighty's hand.

We are so blindly clueless.

Trials are not pleasant. I have yet to meet someone who enjoys them. Often, the tendency is to exclaim that God has left, walked out, or left us to die in the storm. But this is not the case and never has been.

By God's grace, I have been able to begin to see life through a new perspective. You see, when it has rained for so long, you have to find a way to see clearly, amidst the rainfall. My desire to even search for a new viewpoint is proof of His faithfulness. That surely isn't of my own accord.

Dread pushes us towards a savior... a real Savior.

This is the richest form of faithfulness that exists on this planet. This is why James so boldly proclaims that we can rejoice in our trials...


Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. [James 1:2-4] 


In His faithfulness, God allows us to experience the pain of the rain so that we may learn to seek true Joy... a shelter, in God Himself. But that's not all. He knows that we are rough around the edges [to put it lightly] and our hearts need healing, in more ways than one. Trials come not only to point us to our desperate need for Him but also to purify us... thus leading to further joy.

It's a crazy mystery but as Isaiah 55 says... His ways are higher than mine and His thoughts are not my thoughts, so I'm okay with the mysteriousness of it all. I couldn't figure it out, even if I tried.

And to be honest, I wouldn't know His faithfulness like I do now without that 3 year storm. Would I do it over again? I'm not sure. But I sure am thankful for it.