What is it about flat land? Why is it that "flat" journeys are attractive to the human heart? Is it the ease? The lack of stress? The fact that no "muscle" is needed? Anyone can walk a smoothly paved road.
But what if we weren't created to walk flat terrain? There is something about the human heart that yearns for adventure... wonders if there is something more. More than simply picking ones feet up... over and over again.
You see, we often think we accomplish more or travel further as a result of the effortless landscape. But we instead, become numb... Complacent. We get "lulled to sleep" by the repeated motion of our simplistic steps.
Have you ever stopped to think that the heart longs for a struggle of sorts? A challenge? I firmly believe that is true. But our hearts are innately infused with a desire to excel. To succeed. To reach our utmost potential. And because of our brokenness, we think we need to settle to reach that success, whatever that success might be. But settling never got anyone to the top of Mount Everest.
The view after climbing a mountain is irreplaceable. Trust me. This past March, I experienced the biggest workout of my life as I climbed to Romero Pools in Tucson, Arizona. The views, however, were worth it all. Don't get me wrong, there were definitely times I wanted to turn back. After all, this Indiana girl is not accustomed to the drastic incline of the Southwest. But every time I had the desire to return to the flat, desert land, I would simply stop and take time to view the horizon. You can't see a view like that without some sort of struggle or effort (unless you own your own private plane). But that's besides the point.
With that said, mountains cannot exist without the presence of valleys. It's impossible. At some point, you have to come down. Experience the "lows" of life. For those who know me even slightly, you know I am not a fan of emotional roller coasters. But life is not a "walk in the park"... nor is it a stroll down the lane. We are hit with reality... with moments when we discover our view is no longer thrilling... but rather, mundane and lacking luster.
But obviously, we must, and will encounter both. The highest peaks and the deepest valleys alike. Lessons learned in the valleys are not the same as those learned on the mountain top. Nor are they purposed to be. The uneven terrain is a paradox. The unevenness is necessary to keep us "grounded." It keeps us looking ahead, and behind, with the proper perspective.
When arriving in the valley, one can look behind and see the peak from which he came... while also knowing that he can face the peak that lies ahead. I think we have to face a peak, before we can begin to understand the strength of Christ in our weak, and sometimes lazy, legs. To awaken the knowledge that is is He that is ordering each and every step. That even the most mundane steps... as well as the most trying treads, can be overflowing with purpose.
I've climbed some mountains the past few years... both literally and figuratively speaking. I've journeyed through some valleys as well. And if I'm speaking honestly, I've been worn out countless times. My legs have felt like jello. But that "jello feeling" only lasts for so long.
We were created to adapt. To thrive.
Although the journey is often trying and tragic, the heart has an opportunity to soak in some crazy views... from both high and low standings.
My memory has been flooded with some incredible scenery. The journey was not and is not always pleasant. But at least I'm not walking comatose through this life. Because when you consider the views to be seen, that would just be a shame.
All I know is this...
I was not created for flat land.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
4 Years Later...
You may have noticed that I have added a handful of blogs in one day... I did not go on a blogging rampage! These "new blogs" were written from 2008-2010 before I began a blog. Wanted to have all my writings in one place! They are dated as to when I wrote them... but start reading from the bottom of my blog and scroll up!
Nothing is more humbling than looking back on your life and seeing how far God has brought you. Take a read if you wish... Thanks for continuing to walk with me on this journey!
Nothing is more humbling than looking back on your life and seeing how far God has brought you. Take a read if you wish... Thanks for continuing to walk with me on this journey!
Dwell.
July 31, 2010
Have you ever slammed on the brakes? There's not too many things that gets your attention as quickly and effectively as having to suddenly try your hardest to avoid becoming part of a giant pile up on the free way. But I've also noticed something else after briskly implementing the use of that very vital part of a vehicle. The speed at which I was once traveling becomes quite apparent. So often on the interstate I find myself wanting to go faster. Why is that? I'm already going 70+ mph. Isn't that fast enough? But after thinking about it for quite some time now, I'm discovering that it stems from a deeper issue...something programmed deep within my heart.
Have you ever slammed on the brakes? There's not too many things that gets your attention as quickly and effectively as having to suddenly try your hardest to avoid becoming part of a giant pile up on the free way. But I've also noticed something else after briskly implementing the use of that very vital part of a vehicle. The speed at which I was once traveling becomes quite apparent. So often on the interstate I find myself wanting to go faster. Why is that? I'm already going 70+ mph. Isn't that fast enough? But after thinking about it for quite some time now, I'm discovering that it stems from a deeper issue...something programmed deep within my heart.
Dwelling is not an easy task. To dwell causes one to have to stop. To cease any and all courses of action. To stop analyzing, planning, running, hiding, and striving. Striving. Now there's a word that I have come to know quite well. Dwelling simply requires one to wait...and rest. Not strive. I think that's the hardest part...striving is second nature to me. Twenty years of practice has pretty much cemented that in this stubborn brain of mine.
But that's just it. The more I continue to seek the heart of my God, the more I recognize how wrong I've been for so long. God never asked me to strive. To put on a "I've got it all together" show. Who am I fooling anyway? Certainly not Him. Rather, He invites me to cease. That sort of leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Kind of like that cheap-o coffee you get at that last resort gas station (there's not too many things I despise more than that). But why? Why is it that the very thing I was truly made to do leaves me miserable, feeling like I've missed the mark? Maybe because my heart has majorly missed the true source of satisfaction. Not the kind of satisfaction that comes from the completion of a task (although I do very much enjoy that sensation). But the immense joy and peace that comes from the difficult, yet worthwhile recognition of my own incapability. That my life is not within my control. Ugh. A part of my Type A mentality dies every time I utter those painful yet freeing words...
As I was spending time with the Lord the other day, I turned to one of my favorite passages. As I began to read Psalm 27, I pleaded with the Lord to bring something new to light within the chapter, to teach me something fresh from His Word. Praise Jesus that He always, always, always answers that prayer with a resounding "Yes, I will!". But as I continued to read, I kept getting distracted...so it took a few times for me to get hit with a simple, yet mind-blowing truth from the life of David. David got it. The first couple verses relay the truth of the sovereignty and goodness of our God while also retelling the troubles (and current trials) of David's life. But then you get to verse 4. This is my favorite part. And that's when it hit me like a crisp, October breeze in Indiana. Even after all that David weathered in his life, he uncovered the secret.
[v.4] of Psalm 27 says: "One thing I ask of the LORD, THIS is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek Him in His temple."
Wow. David blows me away. He knew that life throws its fair share of junk at us. He didn't live under the illusion that this life is a walk in the park. He knew better than to be that naive. He certainly had the experiences to back that up. But David did know what to do in the midst of his storms...dwell.
My mind and heart are in constant combat. What my heart truly (and was created) to desire is the very thing my mind fights to believe...that surrender is stronger than striving. Surrender is freedom. Paradoxical? Most definitely. Yet, I am finding that it is the key.
OK, so back to the whole dwelling gig. David understood the secret within the storm. That to dwell was safer than to strive. That his (maybe innocent) strivings would only stir his storm even more so. But dwelling...that merely caused him to sit and rest in the midst of the storm. Crazy? To some...or most rather, yes. Absolutely. But this "madman" was referred (by God Himself) as "a man after God's own heart." So obviously, I've missed something quite important along the way...
David was a man of focus. He had a focus I envy. His gaze was fixed. Fixed not on his storm...but on His God. David could dwell peacefully in the midst of his chaos because he was so caught up in the beauty of His Lord. In the beauty that comes only from the realization that I am not in charge. That I don't measure up. That I will continue to (always) fall short. Now that sounds like borderline insanity. Maybe it is. But something comes alive in one's heart when he reads that and lets it sink in to the very depths of his soul. Did you feel it? That was your heart beginning to awaken to the truth that you were created...to dwell.
Sure, you can fight it. I surely have...and most days still do. But thanks to the grace of my Jesus, that's begun to change. And He is inviting you to the same paradigm shift. To throw off the performance-based striving. To simply bask in His radiance. His abundant and furious love...for you. Honestly, it is a painful thing to slam on the brakes. Ceasing to strive can result in some pretty powerful whiplash. But the view...much clearer now that you've stopped, is more than worth the temporary discomfort. It will blow your mind. Your God is beckoning you to dwell because He knows that it is in His presence alone that you are safe. That only there, will you truly be healed.
So what do you say? Care to join me for the view?
Flames.
May 17, 2010
I absolutely love camping. Everything about it relaxes me and helps me forget the momentary troubles of this world. The campfire, however, is most definitely my favorite part of the entire outdoor experience. There are few things I love more than sitting in the crisp air on a June evening listening to the flames crack and whistle.
Fire is a curious entity. It has never ceased to captivate me. I could gaze upon its flames for an eternity. Not only does it constantly flicker but also seems to present an endless dance of power, yet also simplistic purity.
However, the thing that always has puzzled me about a flame is its ability to destroy but, when used carefully, instead refine. How is it that a single substance has been used for the destruction of millions of people and yet the making of countless masterpieces? As I have considered this, I have come to find that the power of the flame is held in the hand of its master. What the master desires, so the flame will accomplish.
The past two years of my life have been nothing less than a whirlwind. They have been full of excitement, joy, new thrills, and victory. However, in spite of the sun, there has been rain. I have found myself in the midst of a seemingly never-ending storm. This life has had its share of pain, suffering, and sorrow. It is in these present experiences that I have begun to recognize the power of earthly circumstances and trials.
Last February, I began to have much pain whenever I ate. It began slowly. As time went on, however, the moments occurred more frequently and the pain increased. By June, I found myself in the emergency room. As the months carried on, I went through medical testing and multiple appointments. By December, I had four procedures and a handful of blood tests under my belt. Between my undiagnosed illness and the pressure of a semester of Pre-Med, I was spent. I have never before felt such fatigue or defeat.
Christmas break wasn’t much of a break. I was sick and worn out the majority of my time at home. I was beyond discouragement and the ability to hope. I couldn’t eat without getting sick for days on end. I lost the desire to even try because I knew it would only worsen my physical health. At the beginning of January, my mom suggested I see another doctor for a second opinion. To be honest, I didn’t care much anymore. I had begun to accept the fact that no one could help me feel better. It had been eleven months of searching with no answers…but I went anyway to have one last blood work done.
At the end of my first week of second semester, mom called me letting me know that my blood had tested positive for celiac sprue. I had celiac disease. They finally had found it. I still remember where I was when I heard that I would have this illness for the rest of my life. I didn’t know what to feel in that moment. I felt both relieved yet overwhelmed by the discovery. I barely had strength to get out of bed in the morning. How was I going to gather enough tenacity to continue about my new major, regaining my health, and beginning this journey of adjusting to a major lifestyle adjustment? I had no idea. I was close to surrender…it was all I had left.
Where am I going with this? Just bear with me. This is not something I enjoy talking about. In fact, I have been fighting bitterness, despair, and defeat for over a year. Not because it seems like 90% of food has been eliminated from my diet but because of the physical toll this disease has taken on my body. Anyone can adjust to eating only a handful of foods day after day. You might believe otherwise, but after months of illness, it’s amazing what you are motivated to do to feel healthy again. It’s not that I want the whole world to know this aspect of my life. Not the point. Actually, the exact opposite is true. I have tried for so long to ignore it and just move on. However, I have learned that circumstances that remain captive to Satan’s power become the very things that cause us to become destroyed by the flames—flames that have the potential to strengthen and transform the brokenness. So I have chosen to embrace the fire.
I feel as though the theme of my life right now is refinement. I’ve felt the flame countless times over the past few months and continue to presently. It’s as though I seemingly conquer one battle only to fall again when the new one approaches. But maybe I’ve been looking at this all wrong. Maybe, just maybe, this fire that has been overcoming my days is meant to mold and shape me…not leave me in ruin.
So this is what I’m getting at. I’m finding that the key to this overwhelming mystery of pain, toil, and struggle lies in the hand of the master. There are days when I have felt that everything is out to get me. But what if these hardships are opportunities in disguise? What if God is giving me the blessed privilege of proclaiming His grace and faithfulness in my moments of despair and weakness? What if His plan for me is to constantly be a picture of one who can do nothing but remain at His feet in constant surrender?
I’ve heard it said that the shadow proves the sunshine. Looking back on the past two years of my life, I can tell you from experience that statement could not be more true. I have felt immense discouragement, defeat, and have come quite close to giving up this fight to regain my physical and emotional health…multiple times. But in the midst of my darkest days, the light of hope has prevailed. When I had no more strength, God upheld me. I now personally know what Paul meant when he said, “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9b-10)
What an amazing proclamation of faith! My daily prayer is that the pain would become less and less but in the moments of struggle, God would give me an opportunity to share the story of my refinement. How He has remolded my view of trials. How He has reshaped my perspective of pain. How He has renewed this broken spirit.
I will never look at a campfire the same way again. I have learned much about the power that lies within the flames. You see, fire has been used for centuries to purify. Some of the most broken things have been put to the flame only to emerge beautifully refined. Praise Jesus that He alone commands the flames that enter my life! He has redeemed my trials and moments of despair! No longer do my flames lie in the grasp of the master of destruction…but in the hands of my Mighty Creator…in the gentle care of my God.
Who holds your flame?
I absolutely love camping. Everything about it relaxes me and helps me forget the momentary troubles of this world. The campfire, however, is most definitely my favorite part of the entire outdoor experience. There are few things I love more than sitting in the crisp air on a June evening listening to the flames crack and whistle.
Fire is a curious entity. It has never ceased to captivate me. I could gaze upon its flames for an eternity. Not only does it constantly flicker but also seems to present an endless dance of power, yet also simplistic purity.
However, the thing that always has puzzled me about a flame is its ability to destroy but, when used carefully, instead refine. How is it that a single substance has been used for the destruction of millions of people and yet the making of countless masterpieces? As I have considered this, I have come to find that the power of the flame is held in the hand of its master. What the master desires, so the flame will accomplish.
The past two years of my life have been nothing less than a whirlwind. They have been full of excitement, joy, new thrills, and victory. However, in spite of the sun, there has been rain. I have found myself in the midst of a seemingly never-ending storm. This life has had its share of pain, suffering, and sorrow. It is in these present experiences that I have begun to recognize the power of earthly circumstances and trials.
Last February, I began to have much pain whenever I ate. It began slowly. As time went on, however, the moments occurred more frequently and the pain increased. By June, I found myself in the emergency room. As the months carried on, I went through medical testing and multiple appointments. By December, I had four procedures and a handful of blood tests under my belt. Between my undiagnosed illness and the pressure of a semester of Pre-Med, I was spent. I have never before felt such fatigue or defeat.
Christmas break wasn’t much of a break. I was sick and worn out the majority of my time at home. I was beyond discouragement and the ability to hope. I couldn’t eat without getting sick for days on end. I lost the desire to even try because I knew it would only worsen my physical health. At the beginning of January, my mom suggested I see another doctor for a second opinion. To be honest, I didn’t care much anymore. I had begun to accept the fact that no one could help me feel better. It had been eleven months of searching with no answers…but I went anyway to have one last blood work done.
At the end of my first week of second semester, mom called me letting me know that my blood had tested positive for celiac sprue. I had celiac disease. They finally had found it. I still remember where I was when I heard that I would have this illness for the rest of my life. I didn’t know what to feel in that moment. I felt both relieved yet overwhelmed by the discovery. I barely had strength to get out of bed in the morning. How was I going to gather enough tenacity to continue about my new major, regaining my health, and beginning this journey of adjusting to a major lifestyle adjustment? I had no idea. I was close to surrender…it was all I had left.
Where am I going with this? Just bear with me. This is not something I enjoy talking about. In fact, I have been fighting bitterness, despair, and defeat for over a year. Not because it seems like 90% of food has been eliminated from my diet but because of the physical toll this disease has taken on my body. Anyone can adjust to eating only a handful of foods day after day. You might believe otherwise, but after months of illness, it’s amazing what you are motivated to do to feel healthy again. It’s not that I want the whole world to know this aspect of my life. Not the point. Actually, the exact opposite is true. I have tried for so long to ignore it and just move on. However, I have learned that circumstances that remain captive to Satan’s power become the very things that cause us to become destroyed by the flames—flames that have the potential to strengthen and transform the brokenness. So I have chosen to embrace the fire.
I feel as though the theme of my life right now is refinement. I’ve felt the flame countless times over the past few months and continue to presently. It’s as though I seemingly conquer one battle only to fall again when the new one approaches. But maybe I’ve been looking at this all wrong. Maybe, just maybe, this fire that has been overcoming my days is meant to mold and shape me…not leave me in ruin.
So this is what I’m getting at. I’m finding that the key to this overwhelming mystery of pain, toil, and struggle lies in the hand of the master. There are days when I have felt that everything is out to get me. But what if these hardships are opportunities in disguise? What if God is giving me the blessed privilege of proclaiming His grace and faithfulness in my moments of despair and weakness? What if His plan for me is to constantly be a picture of one who can do nothing but remain at His feet in constant surrender?
I’ve heard it said that the shadow proves the sunshine. Looking back on the past two years of my life, I can tell you from experience that statement could not be more true. I have felt immense discouragement, defeat, and have come quite close to giving up this fight to regain my physical and emotional health…multiple times. But in the midst of my darkest days, the light of hope has prevailed. When I had no more strength, God upheld me. I now personally know what Paul meant when he said, “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9b-10)
What an amazing proclamation of faith! My daily prayer is that the pain would become less and less but in the moments of struggle, God would give me an opportunity to share the story of my refinement. How He has remolded my view of trials. How He has reshaped my perspective of pain. How He has renewed this broken spirit.
I will never look at a campfire the same way again. I have learned much about the power that lies within the flames. You see, fire has been used for centuries to purify. Some of the most broken things have been put to the flame only to emerge beautifully refined. Praise Jesus that He alone commands the flames that enter my life! He has redeemed my trials and moments of despair! No longer do my flames lie in the grasp of the master of destruction…but in the hands of my Mighty Creator…in the gentle care of my God.
Who holds your flame?
Leaves.
January 3, 2010
Fall has always been my favorite season. Something about the vibrant horizon and crisp air never ceases to leave me captivated. I love driving down country roads and breathing in the unmistakable scent of leaves while taking a mental photograph of the landscape before me. It is almost as if God paints every tree with a unique pattern of color and texture every fall season. However, something else has always blown my mind even more so than the overwhelming beauty of my hometown scenery. Did you know that in the midst of leaves changing their appearance they are slowly dying? As my life has taken a few unexpected turns in the course of these past few months, fall has not only remained to be my favorite time of year but also a time that causes me to reflect and bask in the overwhelming grace and sovereignty of my God.
It was during my Anatomy and Physiology class my junior year of high school that I truly felt I knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. From that year on, I set out with the aim of doing everything in my power to attend Physician’s Assistant school. It was that simple. I planned to attend Indiana Wesleyan and enroll in Pre-Med Biology to build the foundation I would need for graduate school and that is exactly what I did. My first year of college was an uphill battle full of failure, struggle, and confusion. There were countless days that I doubted my ability to make it through the Pre-Med program successfully, much less alive and well. It was a common occurrence for me to attend a full day of classes only to spend an average of six hours a night following in the library. I quickly found that God was revealing to me some major lessons that I needed so badly to learn. I had never before found myself in a season of life when I truly had to rely on the strength and grace of the Lord. I began to discover that I was not as strong and capable as I once saw myself to be. My pride was shattered, as I would spend numerous hours studying and preparing for an exam only to receive a grade that was less than average. There is nothing like taking a Type A person and completely rattling their cage with academia. I was a mess.
Looking back on that first year of college, I am able to chuckle because even in the midst of my sweat, tears, frustration, anger, and defeat, I made it through. The classes I thought I would surely fail, I passed. It was during those tears and trials that God broke down my walls of stubbornness and pride. He truly became my foundation. It is by the grace and provision of Jesus Christ alone that I have made it through a year and a half of Pre-Med at Indiana Wesleyan. My time thus far at college has been the most trying yet sweetest time of my life as I have begun to learn the meaning of surrender and perseverance. It was this past September, though, that God began reading me the opening chapters of a story that would be the beginning of a brand new journey.
During my first Mammalian Anatomy class this fall it was as if a voice resounded deep within my soul saying, “This is not where you belong, Lauren, I have something else for you.” I knew in that moment that God was beginning to lead me in a completely different direction. To be honest, I was a tad irritated. I had returned to school thrilled that I had already conquered the infamous college adjustment and thought the worst of it was behind me. Obviously, God had other plans. I was quite flustered to say the very least. After all, I was Lauren Workman, the one who never failed to have a plan!
Over the next months, I began realizing brand new aspects of myself that I desperately needed to allow the Lord to change, shape, and mold. I stood in awe as I felt the Lord take my hand and destroy the fears that had been entangling me. My heart ached as the Lord gently remolded my life plans, intentions, and dreams. Nevertheless, with each new day, I saw that my heart was becoming more aligned with His as He continued to reveal His purpose for my life. It was an immense struggle for me to let go and allow myself to wait on the Lord but God remained ever faithful in my moments of doubt and stubbornness. I discovered that it was in the days that I most surrendered to His plan that I began to see more clearly all that He has for me. My heart is slowly awakening to the purpose that God has created me to fulfill in this life of mine. The more aware I become of this dream, I continue to wonder why it has taken me so long to see what seems to be overwhelmingly evident to me now. However, I know that the sum of the events in my life thus far have been sovereignly determined by God Himself.
So here I am. All of the moments and experiences I have mentioned above have truly opened my eyes to the freedom I have in Jesus Christ. Coming from a Christian background, I had heard of this freedom countless times but never truly had a moment in life that caused me to claim it for myself. I quickly found that it was in the valleys that this freedom began to “click” for the first time in my heart and mind. I am free from the expectation to have everything figured out! I am able to live freely in the fact that God holds me in His hand and sovereignly guides me in His time, not my own. The change in my countenance and perception of life is undeniable! Jesus has completely revived this heart of mine and has given me a brand new dream. I have so much joy in the newfound purpose that I have come to find in my Creator. I am free to simply be all that He has made me to be!
I have officially decided to double major in Psychology and Addictions Counseling next semester. I have complete peace that God has led me to this decision and has clearly affirmed it for me along the way. I cannot deny that this change of heart and direction has been from the very hand of the Lord as I have waited upon Him. I can no longer be silent. God has infused me with such a passion to speak on behalf of those who cannot speak for themselves. I strongly desire to tell the world of this freedom I have found in Christ and how He has made me new by His grace. My heart aches for those who are living in bondage of things that claim to satisfy but do not. I have encountered the living God who calls every man out of death and into life! How could I continue on this journey called life and not proclaim this love that is unlike any other?
As I have continued to seek God and all that He has for me, He has begun to give me more clarity regarding this dream deep within my heart. My heart is restless as I see countless faces full of despair and souls immensely burdened. I am discovering that my heart beats in order that I may proclaim freedom and salvation for those who cannot see. I absolutely adore the passage in Isaiah which states,
"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair…" (Isaiah 61:1-3, The Bible)
After graduating from Indiana Wesleyan, I hope connect with or establish a Christian organization that reaches out to battered women and children to give them a fresh start. I am also quite burdened regarding the revival of the God-established institution of family. I obtain no greater fulfillment or joy than simply having the opportunity to come along side someone else and walk through life with them. God is continuing to awaken my heart to an immense passion of seeing people redeemed by the blood of Christ to truly live in freedom by His matchless grace. God has freed me and has given me such an overwhelming desire to reflect His heart to the broken and despised of this world. Without Christ, I am nothing and can do nothing. I pray that with each new day I begin to look more like my Creator. My desire is not that others would see Lauren Workman but rather, Jesus Christ shining through me. He alone is my salvation, purpose, and hope!
So what does all of this have to do with a bunch of leaves? I was hoping you would ask. The most bright and colorful leaves are those that are closest to death. Likewise, much must die within me before the Lord can make something beautiful of this life. Through this entire season of change and transition, God has been so faithful to me and has blessed me beyond measure. I have been convicted, broken, and changed as my heart is stirring to the see Kingdom of God move throughout all the earth. My heart yearns to pour into people and to share this joy and hope that I have found. Nothing else will satisfy this fire deep within my soul. God is too good and life too short for me to do anything else.
Fall has always been my favorite season. Something about the vibrant horizon and crisp air never ceases to leave me captivated. I love driving down country roads and breathing in the unmistakable scent of leaves while taking a mental photograph of the landscape before me. It is almost as if God paints every tree with a unique pattern of color and texture every fall season. However, something else has always blown my mind even more so than the overwhelming beauty of my hometown scenery. Did you know that in the midst of leaves changing their appearance they are slowly dying? As my life has taken a few unexpected turns in the course of these past few months, fall has not only remained to be my favorite time of year but also a time that causes me to reflect and bask in the overwhelming grace and sovereignty of my God.
It was during my Anatomy and Physiology class my junior year of high school that I truly felt I knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. From that year on, I set out with the aim of doing everything in my power to attend Physician’s Assistant school. It was that simple. I planned to attend Indiana Wesleyan and enroll in Pre-Med Biology to build the foundation I would need for graduate school and that is exactly what I did. My first year of college was an uphill battle full of failure, struggle, and confusion. There were countless days that I doubted my ability to make it through the Pre-Med program successfully, much less alive and well. It was a common occurrence for me to attend a full day of classes only to spend an average of six hours a night following in the library. I quickly found that God was revealing to me some major lessons that I needed so badly to learn. I had never before found myself in a season of life when I truly had to rely on the strength and grace of the Lord. I began to discover that I was not as strong and capable as I once saw myself to be. My pride was shattered, as I would spend numerous hours studying and preparing for an exam only to receive a grade that was less than average. There is nothing like taking a Type A person and completely rattling their cage with academia. I was a mess.
Looking back on that first year of college, I am able to chuckle because even in the midst of my sweat, tears, frustration, anger, and defeat, I made it through. The classes I thought I would surely fail, I passed. It was during those tears and trials that God broke down my walls of stubbornness and pride. He truly became my foundation. It is by the grace and provision of Jesus Christ alone that I have made it through a year and a half of Pre-Med at Indiana Wesleyan. My time thus far at college has been the most trying yet sweetest time of my life as I have begun to learn the meaning of surrender and perseverance. It was this past September, though, that God began reading me the opening chapters of a story that would be the beginning of a brand new journey.
During my first Mammalian Anatomy class this fall it was as if a voice resounded deep within my soul saying, “This is not where you belong, Lauren, I have something else for you.” I knew in that moment that God was beginning to lead me in a completely different direction. To be honest, I was a tad irritated. I had returned to school thrilled that I had already conquered the infamous college adjustment and thought the worst of it was behind me. Obviously, God had other plans. I was quite flustered to say the very least. After all, I was Lauren Workman, the one who never failed to have a plan!
Over the next months, I began realizing brand new aspects of myself that I desperately needed to allow the Lord to change, shape, and mold. I stood in awe as I felt the Lord take my hand and destroy the fears that had been entangling me. My heart ached as the Lord gently remolded my life plans, intentions, and dreams. Nevertheless, with each new day, I saw that my heart was becoming more aligned with His as He continued to reveal His purpose for my life. It was an immense struggle for me to let go and allow myself to wait on the Lord but God remained ever faithful in my moments of doubt and stubbornness. I discovered that it was in the days that I most surrendered to His plan that I began to see more clearly all that He has for me. My heart is slowly awakening to the purpose that God has created me to fulfill in this life of mine. The more aware I become of this dream, I continue to wonder why it has taken me so long to see what seems to be overwhelmingly evident to me now. However, I know that the sum of the events in my life thus far have been sovereignly determined by God Himself.
So here I am. All of the moments and experiences I have mentioned above have truly opened my eyes to the freedom I have in Jesus Christ. Coming from a Christian background, I had heard of this freedom countless times but never truly had a moment in life that caused me to claim it for myself. I quickly found that it was in the valleys that this freedom began to “click” for the first time in my heart and mind. I am free from the expectation to have everything figured out! I am able to live freely in the fact that God holds me in His hand and sovereignly guides me in His time, not my own. The change in my countenance and perception of life is undeniable! Jesus has completely revived this heart of mine and has given me a brand new dream. I have so much joy in the newfound purpose that I have come to find in my Creator. I am free to simply be all that He has made me to be!
I have officially decided to double major in Psychology and Addictions Counseling next semester. I have complete peace that God has led me to this decision and has clearly affirmed it for me along the way. I cannot deny that this change of heart and direction has been from the very hand of the Lord as I have waited upon Him. I can no longer be silent. God has infused me with such a passion to speak on behalf of those who cannot speak for themselves. I strongly desire to tell the world of this freedom I have found in Christ and how He has made me new by His grace. My heart aches for those who are living in bondage of things that claim to satisfy but do not. I have encountered the living God who calls every man out of death and into life! How could I continue on this journey called life and not proclaim this love that is unlike any other?
As I have continued to seek God and all that He has for me, He has begun to give me more clarity regarding this dream deep within my heart. My heart is restless as I see countless faces full of despair and souls immensely burdened. I am discovering that my heart beats in order that I may proclaim freedom and salvation for those who cannot see. I absolutely adore the passage in Isaiah which states,
"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair…" (Isaiah 61:1-3, The Bible)
After graduating from Indiana Wesleyan, I hope connect with or establish a Christian organization that reaches out to battered women and children to give them a fresh start. I am also quite burdened regarding the revival of the God-established institution of family. I obtain no greater fulfillment or joy than simply having the opportunity to come along side someone else and walk through life with them. God is continuing to awaken my heart to an immense passion of seeing people redeemed by the blood of Christ to truly live in freedom by His matchless grace. God has freed me and has given me such an overwhelming desire to reflect His heart to the broken and despised of this world. Without Christ, I am nothing and can do nothing. I pray that with each new day I begin to look more like my Creator. My desire is not that others would see Lauren Workman but rather, Jesus Christ shining through me. He alone is my salvation, purpose, and hope!
So what does all of this have to do with a bunch of leaves? I was hoping you would ask. The most bright and colorful leaves are those that are closest to death. Likewise, much must die within me before the Lord can make something beautiful of this life. Through this entire season of change and transition, God has been so faithful to me and has blessed me beyond measure. I have been convicted, broken, and changed as my heart is stirring to the see Kingdom of God move throughout all the earth. My heart yearns to pour into people and to share this joy and hope that I have found. Nothing else will satisfy this fire deep within my soul. God is too good and life too short for me to do anything else.
Cloudy with a Chance of Change.
July 17, 2009
I’ve always enjoyed watching the clouds. I love how my mind can shape and contort the billows of white into pretty much anything imaginable. It sure provided hours of endless entertainment for those seemingly endless hours in the car when I was younger. It wasn’t until recently, however, that the clouds began to portray a completely different picture for me.
This summer has not been normal. It’s been quite unlike all others that I have had thus far in my life. There were times when I thought high school summers were kind of lame. Afterall, we do live in Indiana. The center of the glorious Midwest. Ok…I was just kidding about the “glorious” part. Not too much to do. But looking back, I realize I had it pretty stinkin’ good. The thought of a full-time job would have made me chuckle…much less two. Our hardest days consisted of sleeping in, big bowls of cereal in front of the T.V., and late night hangouts…only to “party hard” til the wee hours of the morning and sleep in to do it all over again. Wow. Did we have it made or what?
I almost don’t recognize this town anymore. It’s as if the days that we felt painfully dragged on and on decided to go into hyper speed. The minute we realized we needed to be holding onto every moment we were given, they were gone. Just like that. It’s funny how time can do that to you. It sure is a villain.
I think I was under the false impression that change occurred progressively. Wrong. If I’ve learned anything this summer, it’s that. If anything, transition runs its course more quickly as I become older. Some days I feel as though I’m God’s favorite student. Man alive, He’s got some hard lesson plans mapped out for me. Some lessons are meant to take more time than others based on level of difficulty. The one I’ve never seemed to grasp is the fact that people come and go in life. I’ve got a pretty thick head…and that one just hasn’t gotten through yet.
In my mind, it makes no sense to relationally connect with someone only to later have those two paths go in completely separate directions. I mean, what the junk? Am I the only one who can’t seem to understand that? I don’t take relationships lightly nor do I allow myself to become extremely close to more than 4 or 5 people at once. I strive to pour all that I have into the relationships that I have. That is the only way that makes sense to me. It’s just natural. And until this past year, it always had worked the way I thought it should. The way I had planned. It’s funny how fourteen years can set you in such a lifestyle that the reality of life doesn’t even seem possible. This past year, I ran smack dab into reality. Without brakes. It was quite a collision…and it was not pleasant. It was a sight to see. It hurt…and it’s more real than I ever wanted it to be.
So this is where the clouds come in. Thanks for sticking with me. A few weeks ago, I was taking a walk just to get some uninterrupted time to listen to the Lord. It was a gorgeous day and the sky was bursting of sun and clouds. Big, fluffy, white clouds. My favorite kind…they work best when trying to find shapes. But this time I wasn’t paying attention to the shapes or figures lining the sky. This time I felt as though God spoke to my heart and asked me to simply watch how the clouds made their way across the sky. So I did. And then it hit me. The light finally came on in the dark part of my heart that I was trying to protect for so long. A cloud does not move through the sky without colliding with another cloud. And when it does…it’s not quite the same after doing so. It changes shape. It takes and gives…and sticks. All at the same time. Just like relationships. Finally, it was making sense.
You see, this journey called life takes us through flat fields, over tiring mountains, through luscious valleys and rivers, and dry deserts as well. And no two journeys are the same. Maybe very similar but not identical. That’s not how God designed it to be. Every individual has a purpose implanted on his or her heart by God the Creator himself. It’s because of this fact that life must change. Why people come and go from our lives. When I consider friendships that used to be very strong and are not today, my initial feeling is brokenness. It literally breaks my heart. But now I see why. Relationships allow us to live life with one another…and that means bits and pieces of our hearts are slowly and carefully given away. That’s how people change us. Because they give us a part of themselves…and take a bit of us as well. There are countless people no longer in my life that gave me so much. I would not be the person I am today without those God has blessed me with throughout the course of my life. The other “clouds” I’ve collided with. All of them in due time. Now I see there’s more to this picture. While I can only see the next “cloud” in front of me, God sees the entire horizon of my “sky.”
Isn’t the sky beautiful even when the clouds are constantly moving? I think the sky is prettiest when it’s full of clouds moving wherever the wind blows.
And although it doesn’t make sense to me when clouds shift, the sun disappears, or the sky is clear of clouds altogether…I know that my God, who controls the sky, sees just where I’m headed next.
And surprisingly, I’m slowly becoming okay with that.
So everyone, today’s life forecast…is cloudy with a chance of change.
I’ve always enjoyed watching the clouds. I love how my mind can shape and contort the billows of white into pretty much anything imaginable. It sure provided hours of endless entertainment for those seemingly endless hours in the car when I was younger. It wasn’t until recently, however, that the clouds began to portray a completely different picture for me.
This summer has not been normal. It’s been quite unlike all others that I have had thus far in my life. There were times when I thought high school summers were kind of lame. Afterall, we do live in Indiana. The center of the glorious Midwest. Ok…I was just kidding about the “glorious” part. Not too much to do. But looking back, I realize I had it pretty stinkin’ good. The thought of a full-time job would have made me chuckle…much less two. Our hardest days consisted of sleeping in, big bowls of cereal in front of the T.V., and late night hangouts…only to “party hard” til the wee hours of the morning and sleep in to do it all over again. Wow. Did we have it made or what?
I almost don’t recognize this town anymore. It’s as if the days that we felt painfully dragged on and on decided to go into hyper speed. The minute we realized we needed to be holding onto every moment we were given, they were gone. Just like that. It’s funny how time can do that to you. It sure is a villain.
I think I was under the false impression that change occurred progressively. Wrong. If I’ve learned anything this summer, it’s that. If anything, transition runs its course more quickly as I become older. Some days I feel as though I’m God’s favorite student. Man alive, He’s got some hard lesson plans mapped out for me. Some lessons are meant to take more time than others based on level of difficulty. The one I’ve never seemed to grasp is the fact that people come and go in life. I’ve got a pretty thick head…and that one just hasn’t gotten through yet.
In my mind, it makes no sense to relationally connect with someone only to later have those two paths go in completely separate directions. I mean, what the junk? Am I the only one who can’t seem to understand that? I don’t take relationships lightly nor do I allow myself to become extremely close to more than 4 or 5 people at once. I strive to pour all that I have into the relationships that I have. That is the only way that makes sense to me. It’s just natural. And until this past year, it always had worked the way I thought it should. The way I had planned. It’s funny how fourteen years can set you in such a lifestyle that the reality of life doesn’t even seem possible. This past year, I ran smack dab into reality. Without brakes. It was quite a collision…and it was not pleasant. It was a sight to see. It hurt…and it’s more real than I ever wanted it to be.
So this is where the clouds come in. Thanks for sticking with me. A few weeks ago, I was taking a walk just to get some uninterrupted time to listen to the Lord. It was a gorgeous day and the sky was bursting of sun and clouds. Big, fluffy, white clouds. My favorite kind…they work best when trying to find shapes. But this time I wasn’t paying attention to the shapes or figures lining the sky. This time I felt as though God spoke to my heart and asked me to simply watch how the clouds made their way across the sky. So I did. And then it hit me. The light finally came on in the dark part of my heart that I was trying to protect for so long. A cloud does not move through the sky without colliding with another cloud. And when it does…it’s not quite the same after doing so. It changes shape. It takes and gives…and sticks. All at the same time. Just like relationships. Finally, it was making sense.
You see, this journey called life takes us through flat fields, over tiring mountains, through luscious valleys and rivers, and dry deserts as well. And no two journeys are the same. Maybe very similar but not identical. That’s not how God designed it to be. Every individual has a purpose implanted on his or her heart by God the Creator himself. It’s because of this fact that life must change. Why people come and go from our lives. When I consider friendships that used to be very strong and are not today, my initial feeling is brokenness. It literally breaks my heart. But now I see why. Relationships allow us to live life with one another…and that means bits and pieces of our hearts are slowly and carefully given away. That’s how people change us. Because they give us a part of themselves…and take a bit of us as well. There are countless people no longer in my life that gave me so much. I would not be the person I am today without those God has blessed me with throughout the course of my life. The other “clouds” I’ve collided with. All of them in due time. Now I see there’s more to this picture. While I can only see the next “cloud” in front of me, God sees the entire horizon of my “sky.”
Isn’t the sky beautiful even when the clouds are constantly moving? I think the sky is prettiest when it’s full of clouds moving wherever the wind blows.
And although it doesn’t make sense to me when clouds shift, the sun disappears, or the sky is clear of clouds altogether…I know that my God, who controls the sky, sees just where I’m headed next.
And surprisingly, I’m slowly becoming okay with that.
So everyone, today’s life forecast…is cloudy with a chance of change.
Collide.
June 17, 2009
Sometimes I feel like my life is one giant collision. For lack of a better phrase, sometimes, life just hurts. Really badly. At times it's as though I've hit a roadblock, gone into a ditch, and continue to roll and roll and roll...until everything suddenly stops. Numbness begins to sink its grip into the very veins of my heart. Collisions are never good...or are they?
For those that know me, they most likely know that I'm my biggest critic. Basically, no one else ever needs to tear me down...for the record, I've got it handled. It's in the bag. No problem. Most days, I find it hard to believe that I'm doing things right...especially in the aspect of relationships. That's my biggest issue. I guess you could say perfectionist or that I just hold too tightly to those around me. Call it whatever you want. I'm finding that it's more than that.
Ever heard the saying, "It's when life is at its worst that you see a person for who they really are"? Completely true. Couldn't have said it better myself. Life has thrown me a few curves lately. And quite frankly, I've cringed a bit with what I've begun to see. Things in my life that need to be destroyed. Demolished. Redeemed.
As a critic, complacency has become quite recognizable in my own life. It shines pretty brightly actually. It's had the spotlight lately. Not too hard to miss. Man alive, I frustrate myself to no end! It's quite ridiculous. Why do I settle? My prayer has been that God would open wide my eyes to see all that He has for me. And He most definitely has. The doors of my heart have been blown open in the past year. It beats for more than it used to. It's full of passion, life, and purpose...like it never has been before. Yet old habits creep back in.
When I hear the word "complacency," I immediately think, "back to normal." That's just it. Normal. That's something God is NOT. Nor is the life that He has called me...or any of us to live. We are made for more than that. We were made to collide.
The thing about change, struggles, and trials is that they cut into our heart...leaving it open for healing to occur. Before, the hurt was shut tight in the deepest, most tender parts of our very souls. That's where the collision comes in.
Although collisions are painful, they also expose us for who we truly are...underneath all of the masks, barriers, and wounds that we strive so strongly to conceal. The old is scraped away, leaving new, raw, and tender flesh that begins to replace our old and fake exterior. Because you can't be two things at once and live the life of peace, joy, and freedom that Jesus Christ has given to us. The old must go and the new must come. God is the source of new life. He IS life. He alone makes all things new.
Jesus never promised His disciples that life would be easy, simple, or laid back. Rather, He says to "Pick up our crosses and follow Him." I'd say that is no walk in the park. It's a battle. A fight to survive. But Jesus doesn't stop there...He also said He'd never give us more than we can handle. In a way, that's pretty cool. The more we go through, the more God must think we can manage...but not without Him, of course. He also said He'd never leave us. As our world shifts and life changes in the blink of an eye, my God never changes. Sometimes, that's the only thing that keeps me going.
So are you willing to collide? To run straight into the power and love of our mighty God? Yeah, it'll hurt. It'll smart for awhile. The layers of what we've held onto for so long will slowly be pealed away. The real will be unveiled. But as I'm coming to find...you only emerge stronger than you were before. Are you up to the challenge? Go ahead. I dare you. God's looking for a head-on collision.
Sometimes I feel like my life is one giant collision. For lack of a better phrase, sometimes, life just hurts. Really badly. At times it's as though I've hit a roadblock, gone into a ditch, and continue to roll and roll and roll...until everything suddenly stops. Numbness begins to sink its grip into the very veins of my heart. Collisions are never good...or are they?
For those that know me, they most likely know that I'm my biggest critic. Basically, no one else ever needs to tear me down...for the record, I've got it handled. It's in the bag. No problem. Most days, I find it hard to believe that I'm doing things right...especially in the aspect of relationships. That's my biggest issue. I guess you could say perfectionist or that I just hold too tightly to those around me. Call it whatever you want. I'm finding that it's more than that.
Ever heard the saying, "It's when life is at its worst that you see a person for who they really are"? Completely true. Couldn't have said it better myself. Life has thrown me a few curves lately. And quite frankly, I've cringed a bit with what I've begun to see. Things in my life that need to be destroyed. Demolished. Redeemed.
As a critic, complacency has become quite recognizable in my own life. It shines pretty brightly actually. It's had the spotlight lately. Not too hard to miss. Man alive, I frustrate myself to no end! It's quite ridiculous. Why do I settle? My prayer has been that God would open wide my eyes to see all that He has for me. And He most definitely has. The doors of my heart have been blown open in the past year. It beats for more than it used to. It's full of passion, life, and purpose...like it never has been before. Yet old habits creep back in.
When I hear the word "complacency," I immediately think, "back to normal." That's just it. Normal. That's something God is NOT. Nor is the life that He has called me...or any of us to live. We are made for more than that. We were made to collide.
The thing about change, struggles, and trials is that they cut into our heart...leaving it open for healing to occur. Before, the hurt was shut tight in the deepest, most tender parts of our very souls. That's where the collision comes in.
Although collisions are painful, they also expose us for who we truly are...underneath all of the masks, barriers, and wounds that we strive so strongly to conceal. The old is scraped away, leaving new, raw, and tender flesh that begins to replace our old and fake exterior. Because you can't be two things at once and live the life of peace, joy, and freedom that Jesus Christ has given to us. The old must go and the new must come. God is the source of new life. He IS life. He alone makes all things new.
Jesus never promised His disciples that life would be easy, simple, or laid back. Rather, He says to "Pick up our crosses and follow Him." I'd say that is no walk in the park. It's a battle. A fight to survive. But Jesus doesn't stop there...He also said He'd never give us more than we can handle. In a way, that's pretty cool. The more we go through, the more God must think we can manage...but not without Him, of course. He also said He'd never leave us. As our world shifts and life changes in the blink of an eye, my God never changes. Sometimes, that's the only thing that keeps me going.
So are you willing to collide? To run straight into the power and love of our mighty God? Yeah, it'll hurt. It'll smart for awhile. The layers of what we've held onto for so long will slowly be pealed away. The real will be unveiled. But as I'm coming to find...you only emerge stronger than you were before. Are you up to the challenge? Go ahead. I dare you. God's looking for a head-on collision.
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