Leaves.

January 3, 2010

Fall has always been my favorite season. Something about the vibrant horizon and crisp air never ceases to leave me captivated. I love driving down country roads and breathing in the unmistakable scent of leaves while taking a mental photograph of the landscape before me. It is almost as if God paints every tree with a unique pattern of color and texture every fall season. However, something else has always blown my mind even more so than the overwhelming beauty of my hometown scenery. Did you know that in the midst of leaves changing their appearance they are slowly dying? As my life has taken a few unexpected turns in the course of these past few months, fall has not only remained to be my favorite time of year but also a time that causes me to reflect and bask in the overwhelming grace and sovereignty of my God.

It was during my Anatomy and Physiology class my junior year of high school that I truly felt I knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. From that year on, I set out with the aim of doing everything in my power to attend Physician’s Assistant school. It was that simple. I planned to attend Indiana Wesleyan and enroll in Pre-Med Biology to build the foundation I would need for graduate school and that is exactly what I did. My first year of college was an uphill battle full of failure, struggle, and confusion. There were countless days that I doubted my ability to make it through the Pre-Med program successfully, much less alive and well. It was a common occurrence for me to attend a full day of classes only to spend an average of six hours a night following in the library. I quickly found that God was revealing to me some major lessons that I needed so badly to learn. I had never before found myself in a season of life when I truly had to rely on the strength and grace of the Lord. I began to discover that I was not as strong and capable as I once saw myself to be. My pride was shattered, as I would spend numerous hours studying and preparing for an exam only to receive a grade that was less than average. There is nothing like taking a Type A person and completely rattling their cage with academia. I was a mess.

Looking back on that first year of college, I am able to chuckle because even in the midst of my sweat, tears, frustration, anger, and defeat, I made it through. The classes I thought I would surely fail, I passed. It was during those tears and trials that God broke down my walls of stubbornness and pride. He truly became my foundation. It is by the grace and provision of Jesus Christ alone that I have made it through a year and a half of Pre-Med at Indiana Wesleyan. My time thus far at college has been the most trying yet sweetest time of my life as I have begun to learn the meaning of surrender and perseverance. It was this past September, though, that God began reading me the opening chapters of a story that would be the beginning of a brand new journey.

During my first Mammalian Anatomy class this fall it was as if a voice resounded deep within my soul saying, “This is not where you belong, Lauren, I have something else for you.” I knew in that moment that God was beginning to lead me in a completely different direction. To be honest, I was a tad irritated. I had returned to school thrilled that I had already conquered the infamous college adjustment and thought the worst of it was behind me. Obviously, God had other plans. I was quite flustered to say the very least. After all, I was Lauren Workman, the one who never failed to have a plan!

Over the next months, I began realizing brand new aspects of myself that I desperately needed to allow the Lord to change, shape, and mold. I stood in awe as I felt the Lord take my hand and destroy the fears that had been entangling me. My heart ached as the Lord gently remolded my life plans, intentions, and dreams. Nevertheless, with each new day, I saw that my heart was becoming more aligned with His as He continued to reveal His purpose for my life. It was an immense struggle for me to let go and allow myself to wait on the Lord but God remained ever faithful in my moments of doubt and stubbornness. I discovered that it was in the days that I most surrendered to His plan that I began to see more clearly all that He has for me. My heart is slowly awakening to the purpose that God has created me to fulfill in this life of mine. The more aware I become of this dream, I continue to wonder why it has taken me so long to see what seems to be overwhelmingly evident to me now. However, I know that the sum of the events in my life thus far have been sovereignly determined by God Himself.

So here I am. All of the moments and experiences I have mentioned above have truly opened my eyes to the freedom I have in Jesus Christ. Coming from a Christian background, I had heard of this freedom countless times but never truly had a moment in life that caused me to claim it for myself. I quickly found that it was in the valleys that this freedom began to “click” for the first time in my heart and mind. I am free from the expectation to have everything figured out! I am able to live freely in the fact that God holds me in His hand and sovereignly guides me in His time, not my own. The change in my countenance and perception of life is undeniable! Jesus has completely revived this heart of mine and has given me a brand new dream. I have so much joy in the newfound purpose that I have come to find in my Creator. I am free to simply be all that He has made me to be!

I have officially decided to double major in Psychology and Addictions Counseling next semester. I have complete peace that God has led me to this decision and has clearly affirmed it for me along the way. I cannot deny that this change of heart and direction has been from the very hand of the Lord as I have waited upon Him. I can no longer be silent. God has infused me with such a passion to speak on behalf of those who cannot speak for themselves. I strongly desire to tell the world of this freedom I have found in Christ and how He has made me new by His grace. My heart aches for those who are living in bondage of things that claim to satisfy but do not. I have encountered the living God who calls every man out of death and into life! How could I continue on this journey called life and not proclaim this love that is unlike any other?

As I have continued to seek God and all that He has for me, He has begun to give me more clarity regarding this dream deep within my heart. My heart is restless as I see countless faces full of despair and souls immensely burdened. I am discovering that my heart beats in order that I may proclaim freedom and salvation for those who cannot see. I absolutely adore the passage in Isaiah which states,

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair…" (Isaiah 61:1-3, The Bible)

After graduating from Indiana Wesleyan, I hope connect with or establish a Christian organization that reaches out to battered women and children to give them a fresh start. I am also quite burdened regarding the revival of the God-established institution of family. I obtain no greater fulfillment or joy than simply having the opportunity to come along side someone else and walk through life with them. God is continuing to awaken my heart to an immense passion of seeing people redeemed by the blood of Christ to truly live in freedom by His matchless grace. God has freed me and has given me such an overwhelming desire to reflect His heart to the broken and despised of this world. Without Christ, I am nothing and can do nothing. I pray that with each new day I begin to look more like my Creator. My desire is not that others would see Lauren Workman but rather, Jesus Christ shining through me. He alone is my salvation, purpose, and hope!

So what does all of this have to do with a bunch of leaves? I was hoping you would ask. The most bright and colorful leaves are those that are closest to death. Likewise, much must die within me before the Lord can make something beautiful of this life. Through this entire season of change and transition, God has been so faithful to me and has blessed me beyond measure. I have been convicted, broken, and changed as my heart is stirring to the see Kingdom of God move throughout all the earth. My heart yearns to pour into people and to share this joy and hope that I have found. Nothing else will satisfy this fire deep within my soul. God is too good and life too short for me to do anything else.