I absolutely love camping. Everything about it relaxes me and helps me forget the momentary troubles of this world. The campfire, however, is most definitely my favorite part of the entire outdoor experience. There are few things I love more than sitting in the crisp air on a June evening listening to the flames crack and whistle.
Fire is a curious entity. It has never ceased to captivate me. I could gaze upon its flames for an eternity. Not only does it constantly flicker but also seems to present an endless dance of power, yet also simplistic purity.
However, the thing that always has puzzled me about a flame is its ability to destroy but, when used carefully, instead refine. How is it that a single substance has been used for the destruction of millions of people and yet the making of countless masterpieces? As I have considered this, I have come to find that the power of the flame is held in the hand of its master. What the master desires, so the flame will accomplish.
The past two years of my life have been nothing less than a whirlwind. They have been full of excitement, joy, new thrills, and victory. However, in spite of the sun, there has been rain. I have found myself in the midst of a seemingly never-ending storm. This life has had its share of pain, suffering, and sorrow. It is in these present experiences that I have begun to recognize the power of earthly circumstances and trials.
Last February, I began to have much pain whenever I ate. It began slowly. As time went on, however, the moments occurred more frequently and the pain increased. By June, I found myself in the emergency room. As the months carried on, I went through medical testing and multiple appointments. By December, I had four procedures and a handful of blood tests under my belt. Between my undiagnosed illness and the pressure of a semester of Pre-Med, I was spent. I have never before felt such fatigue or defeat.
Christmas break wasn’t much of a break. I was sick and worn out the majority of my time at home. I was beyond discouragement and the ability to hope. I couldn’t eat without getting sick for days on end. I lost the desire to even try because I knew it would only worsen my physical health. At the beginning of January, my mom suggested I see another doctor for a second opinion. To be honest, I didn’t care much anymore. I had begun to accept the fact that no one could help me feel better. It had been eleven months of searching with no answers…but I went anyway to have one last blood work done.
At the end of my first week of second semester, mom called me letting me know that my blood had tested positive for celiac sprue. I had celiac disease. They finally had found it. I still remember where I was when I heard that I would have this illness for the rest of my life. I didn’t know what to feel in that moment. I felt both relieved yet overwhelmed by the discovery. I barely had strength to get out of bed in the morning. How was I going to gather enough tenacity to continue about my new major, regaining my health, and beginning this journey of adjusting to a major lifestyle adjustment? I had no idea. I was close to surrender…it was all I had left.
Where am I going with this? Just bear with me. This is not something I enjoy talking about. In fact, I have been fighting bitterness, despair, and defeat for over a year. Not because it seems like 90% of food has been eliminated from my diet but because of the physical toll this disease has taken on my body. Anyone can adjust to eating only a handful of foods day after day. You might believe otherwise, but after months of illness, it’s amazing what you are motivated to do to feel healthy again. It’s not that I want the whole world to know this aspect of my life. Not the point. Actually, the exact opposite is true. I have tried for so long to ignore it and just move on. However, I have learned that circumstances that remain captive to Satan’s power become the very things that cause us to become destroyed by the flames—flames that have the potential to strengthen and transform the brokenness. So I have chosen to embrace the fire.
I feel as though the theme of my life right now is refinement. I’ve felt the flame countless times over the past few months and continue to presently. It’s as though I seemingly conquer one battle only to fall again when the new one approaches. But maybe I’ve been looking at this all wrong. Maybe, just maybe, this fire that has been overcoming my days is meant to mold and shape me…not leave me in ruin.
So this is what I’m getting at. I’m finding that the key to this overwhelming mystery of pain, toil, and struggle lies in the hand of the master. There are days when I have felt that everything is out to get me. But what if these hardships are opportunities in disguise? What if God is giving me the blessed privilege of proclaiming His grace and faithfulness in my moments of despair and weakness? What if His plan for me is to constantly be a picture of one who can do nothing but remain at His feet in constant surrender?
I’ve heard it said that the shadow proves the sunshine. Looking back on the past two years of my life, I can tell you from experience that statement could not be more true. I have felt immense discouragement, defeat, and have come quite close to giving up this fight to regain my physical and emotional health…multiple times. But in the midst of my darkest days, the light of hope has prevailed. When I had no more strength, God upheld me. I now personally know what Paul meant when he said, “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9b-10)
What an amazing proclamation of faith! My daily prayer is that the pain would become less and less but in the moments of struggle, God would give me an opportunity to share the story of my refinement. How He has remolded my view of trials. How He has reshaped my perspective of pain. How He has renewed this broken spirit.
I will never look at a campfire the same way again. I have learned much about the power that lies within the flames. You see, fire has been used for centuries to purify. Some of the most broken things have been put to the flame only to emerge beautifully refined. Praise Jesus that He alone commands the flames that enter my life! He has redeemed my trials and moments of despair! No longer do my flames lie in the grasp of the master of destruction…but in the hands of my Mighty Creator…in the gentle care of my God.
Who holds your flame?
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